Envy

I use the word envy because jealousy sounds so harsh, so spiteful, and I don’t mean to feel that way. I want to be happy, I want to be thrilled and congratulate but a part of me is screaming ‘it’s not fair, why you and not me?’

You may have guessed what I’m talking about: pregnancy.

Since losing Bean I’ve found out 5 people I know are pregnant. Three are online, through the babyandbump and other forums and blogging here, for them I’m genuinely pleased. Yes there’s a little niggle of sadness for myself but pleased and thinking ‘damn right, good’ comes to mind especially as all have suffered the pain and shock of pregnancy loss themselves. One is someone I know through a friend that I’m not close to at all, so I’m pleased for her and again the niggle of sadness.

The last two are different. So very, very different.

Friend 1 bring the lesser of the feelings. We work together, she’s showing now and seeing that bump and realising was a surprise and felt like a punch to the gut. I went to the toilet and had a little cry to myself but largely I feel fine about it now. Admittedly, I’ve been avoiding her office…

Friend 2 is the one that burns, that hurts like someone pushed their hand in my chest and another in my gut and pulled. Friend 2 I’m closer too, we don’t see each other a lot, we’re on each others facebooks and we all go out sometimes in a group. I’ll be seeing her on at least five big occasions over the next three months- one of which is a weekend long event. I’m happy for friend 2, well I lie I am happy and was happy for friend 2 when I heard she was pregnant though it really did hurt and bring up the envy big time. I wished her congratulations because it’s the right thing to do and I am happy for her because she’s been through a lot, she had a miscarriage herself just before getting pregnant and so I feel awful in feeling more upset by her pregnancy then anything else. It is fantastic news and she is a great person who deserves it, I have no doubt about that- my heart and head knows it.

The hurt and envy came when she told me how far along she was. She’s what I should be now if I hadn’t lost Bean. We conceived on the same week, our due date is the same week.

It hurts, really makes me want to cry and scream just thinking of it. I know that’s not fair to her at all but it’s how I feel. The ‘why you, not me’ though seems so much worse and shockingly self-absorbed because I know she suffered this devastation just as I did and now she’s getting her Rainbow baby I should feel nothing but pleased for her.

And I do…but I also can’t.

Knowing she’s as pregnant as I should be, having everything I’ve not been allowed- it fuels the green eyed monster inside. It makes me sad, so sad and I’m really worried how much it will hurt when I see her. How much more it will hurt if she starts moaning about her pregnancy which, to be honest, every pregnant woman is entitled too because it’s a massive strain on your mind and body.

How do you deal with that sucker-punch to the gut? How do you be the supportive, congratulative friend when all you can think is ‘I should have that bump too, I shouldn’t be drinking either’. I can’t tell my husband, he hasn’t made the connection between her pregnancy time and due date and if I did it would really upset him too. And she’s one of his close friends so that’s really not fair. I can’t tell any of my friends at the moment, I feel I need to be able to explain how I’m really feeling not just a quick text or call.

I just feel really down, very sad and, pathetic as it sounds, I need a cuddle.