Envy

I use the word envy because jealousy sounds so harsh, so spiteful, and I don’t mean to feel that way. I want to be happy, I want to be thrilled and congratulate but a part of me is screaming ‘it’s not fair, why you and not me?’

You may have guessed what I’m talking about: pregnancy.

Since losing Bean I’ve found out 5 people I know are pregnant. Three are online, through the babyandbump and other forums and blogging here, for them I’m genuinely pleased. Yes there’s a little niggle of sadness for myself but pleased and thinking ‘damn right, good’ comes to mind especially as all have suffered the pain and shock of pregnancy loss themselves. One is someone I know through a friend that I’m not close to at all, so I’m pleased for her and again the niggle of sadness.

The last two are different. So very, very different.

Friend 1 bring the lesser of the feelings. We work together, she’s showing now and seeing that bump and realising was a surprise and felt like a punch to the gut. I went to the toilet and had a little cry to myself but largely I feel fine about it now. Admittedly, I’ve been avoiding her office…

Friend 2 is the one that burns, that hurts like someone pushed their hand in my chest and another in my gut and pulled. Friend 2 I’m closer too, we don’t see each other a lot, we’re on each others facebooks and we all go out sometimes in a group. I’ll be seeing her on at least five big occasions over the next three months- one of which is a weekend long event. I’m happy for friend 2, well I lie I am happy and was happy for friend 2 when I heard she was pregnant though it really did hurt and bring up the envy big time. I wished her congratulations because it’s the right thing to do and I am happy for her because she’s been through a lot, she had a miscarriage herself just before getting pregnant and so I feel awful in feeling more upset by her pregnancy then anything else. It is fantastic news and she is a great person who deserves it, I have no doubt about that- my heart and head knows it.

The hurt and envy came when she told me how far along she was. She’s what I should be now if I hadn’t lost Bean. We conceived on the same week, our due date is the same week.

It hurts, really makes me want to cry and scream just thinking of it. I know that’s not fair to her at all but it’s how I feel. The ‘why you, not me’ though seems so much worse and shockingly self-absorbed because I know she suffered this devastation just as I did and now she’s getting her Rainbow baby I should feel nothing but pleased for her.

And I do…but I also can’t.

Knowing she’s as pregnant as I should be, having everything I’ve not been allowed- it fuels the green eyed monster inside. It makes me sad, so sad and I’m really worried how much it will hurt when I see her. How much more it will hurt if she starts moaning about her pregnancy which, to be honest, every pregnant woman is entitled too because it’s a massive strain on your mind and body.

How do you deal with that sucker-punch to the gut? How do you be the supportive, congratulative friend when all you can think is ‘I should have that bump too, I shouldn’t be drinking either’. I can’t tell my husband, he hasn’t made the connection between her pregnancy time and due date and if I did it would really upset him too. And she’s one of his close friends so that’s really not fair. I can’t tell any of my friends at the moment, I feel I need to be able to explain how I’m really feeling not just a quick text or call.

I just feel really down, very sad and, pathetic as it sounds, I need a cuddle.

I’m not doing as well as I act like I am

In fact, I’m having a really sad few days. I classified it as hormonal at first- still waiting for my period to come again- but my husband said the words that really made me reclassify it “It’s okay to say that you are sad, you don’t need to say you are hormonal.”

 

That made me really cry. Not because the words were bad but because it felt like a relief and a release.

It’s been six weeks now since I lost Bean, it seems like a long time ago but actually that’s barely any time at all. It’s just over half the time we got to keep Bean.

I feel like crying as I write this but since I’m due to start work soon, I’m trying not too. I need to get the words out now though or else it feels like it will eat me inside. I’ve been distracted the last few days, been very scatty and a bit disconnected. I thought I was doing so well- everyone kept saying I was, saying how strong I was like it’s weak to grieve- but part of it was doing well and part was putting on a front. It’s okay to still be sad, it’s okay to feel like crying or cry after losing a baby so long as you do have good days too.

And there is no rushing it.

I was in floods of tears this weekend, only briefly because I had to put a fake face on it., It was one of the hardest weekends and for that I feel terribly sad. It was a good friend’s celebration away, something that before-Bean and during-Bean I’d been excited so much for, couldn’t wait to spoil her. It was good to have time away, though the idea of time away from my husband filled me with the need to cling closer it was also good to feel I could be independent again too.

The weekend was great, she loved it, but I wasn’t my normal self. I had moment, long good moments, but things kept reminding me: telling me ‘you should be pregnant now’. The biggest reminder was on Saturday night and came right out of the blue, made me feel numb at first then I managed to make it to the bathroom (a good friend right behind me) and collapsed to the floor in tears. It hurt, really hurt and part of me wanted to rage ‘why are we celebrating, I don’t want too’ while the other enjoyed the closeness of my friends and the distance (geographically) between home and there.

I’m a field of contradictions at the moment, and it probably reads like a ramble of words.

I’ve had two ‘resentful’ moments over the last two days: one was when, after I told a good friend about the the miscarriage, she told me about another friend who’d had too and then proceeded to to tell me how strong she’s being, how she’s looking forward and being positive. I know my friend and deep down I know she was trying to relate, trying to make me feel better and say ‘you’ll get through this’ but a part of me really resents the comments. It feels like comparing, like saying ‘look how she’s doing she’s so strong, you need to toughen up’.

“You’re being so strong.” I hate those words, they should make you proud when you hear words like that but all they do is jeer at me, “If you show you’re still grieving then you’re weak. Weak!”

I know I’m reading too much into them, probably over-analysing but I can’t help it at the moment. The second reason I’ll post about over the weekend, it’s two long and emotional to even put words to paper right now sufficer to say the emotions sadness, jealousy, resentment and anger are coming into play. And I really don’t like them at all.