Another months, another period.

I can’t help but feel a bit down. It’s been nearly two years of trying, one much loved and miscarried baby and …nothing.

Well anxiety and the memory of how messed up I was last year.

I’m trying to focus on the positives:

my husband and I are happy

we’re in good places at work

I feel a lot more past the miscarriage (I won’t ever be over it, I know that)

we both really want to be pregnant again

 

But sometimes, like today, when my period threatens I feel sad.

 

 

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Good things

I had to go offline for a while due to feeling completely rubbish all around, but now I feel a hell of a lot better for several reasons.

1) My husband and I are having date nights, we’ve been out at least once a week drinking, dancing, eating and chatting. It’s made us feel a lot closer and more relaxed.

2) We’ve stopped trying to conceive, I’m no longer using PreSeed, we’re not having so much sex and we’re just having fun.

3) Holiday: We’ve booked a short holiday seeing friends and family which will be lovely.

4) De-cluttering: strange how just de-cluttering makes me feel freer. I’m such a hoarder it’s great to just say ‘sod it!’ and throw things away or freecycle them/

5) Puppies and kittens: Don’t these make most people happy? A purr monster curled up next to me while I sleep definitely does.

I feel like I’m moving on, moving pass everything. I see it as a wound, there’s still a scar but it’s no longer a gaping wound. Over time it will be still scarred but lighter and less of a reminder. It will always be there but not as painful as it once was.

This week…

I’m aware that this week I actually feel more emotional then I did last week. In a way, this week I feel closer to the time when I miscarried and the grief feels fresher then it has in a long time.

I’m not sure it’s any one thing but a series of them in all honesty.

*Due Date* I know it was my baby’s due date last week and that makes me feel raw, reminds me of what I don’t have and what I lost.

*Not pregnant* We’ve been trying, really trying and it’s just not happening. What really upsets me is twice I’ve been very late on my period and have avoided testing, only to find out I’m just late. I’m never late, only early. Plus my body have been feeling pregnant, had those same symptoms I did with Bean. Just my body tricking my mind.

*Angry* I’ve been really, really angry lately. At myself, at not being pregnant, at my husband not wanting to try harder. Even at my lost baby.

That’s the one the hurts the most. I felt anger that it died, that it wasn’t strong enough and now all I feel is self loathing and hurt that I felt that.

Angry as well that only a few people remembered, that no one thought to text or even ask how we were. I know I should concentrate on those who did think to text and appreciate on them so much instead. I know I have no right to expect people to remember (even though I told them all only a few weeks ago how low I felt and how much I was dreading this date). Everyone has their own lives and priorities, I can’t expect this to be one, I know that.

But it still hurts.

*Other babies* My friend had hers this week and I’m really pleased for her but there’s a part of my thinking that mine should be here too, a part of me that can’t look too much at the photos because I should have that too.

*Super fertile people* Two of my friends are pregnant. Apparently they just look at their partners and it happens, through contraception or that one forgotten night. They expect me to feel sorry for them but how can I? If they had to go through the horror of abortion then yes I would, but to feel sorry for them that they’re having a baby or another baby that’s a surprise but wanted?

No.

On top of the bereavement and betrayal, this isn’t fun and I feel terribly for my husband who has all this alongside me plus extra grief because of his very close relationship with the great man who died.

How the hell do you get out of this?

Due date

So Today is our Due date. I envisioned myself being in bed all day in fits of tears. Low as I felt I’ve been unable to cry because we’ve just not had any time alone lately and I’ve needed to keep up an act.

What has today bee like?

I’ve done washing
I’ve cooked
I’ve watched a lot of Doctor Who
I’m still in my pajamas

I feel weird inside, not on edge but almost numb and indifferent mixed together. I feel like I’m waiting, just waiting for something and I don’t know what.

Is this normal?

Am I in denial?

I don’t feel accepting or at peace, I feel like I’m waiting for something- I just don’t know what.

Low

Feeling so so low.

I’m on the edge of about to cry but I’m trying to disconnect from it because I don’t know if I’ll stop.

I need to support my husband and his/my family right now, but he’s bearing the heavier burden and I feel awful and unreasonable.

Wine and Rugby..not sure how else to distract.

Trying to conceive…loss of innocence?

Well my husband and I have been trying this for a while and I feel slightly optimistic but I’ve suddenly got quite nervous about it all. I’m not sure why it’s hitting me now but I’m starting to think if I’m strong enough to get pregnant again and possibly lose the baby.

Miscarriage was always a ‘oh yes I know about that, I just won’t tell anyone until 12 weeks’ but despite knowing people who did miscarry it was along the lines of denial- it won’t happy to me. Very similar to when I smoked as a young/old teen and had the ‘it won’t happen to me’ mentality about the dangers. I was naive then and naive during my pregnancy.

My first pregnancy.

I won’t ever be that naive again. It’s hitting me that I may miscarry again again. Everything could be great, I could get pregnant and have no problems, or I could find myself in that dark place again.

And I’m seriously questioning how strong I’d be.

I do very much want to try again though. I’m surrounded by babies and people getting pregnant- some who want to be and some who don’t. I have friends who just look at each other and conceive. Well, slight exaggeration but they had unprotected sex one on two different occasions and conceived two of their children.

It doesn’t seem fair, but then life rarely is.

I have hope for 2016. I hope my friends who are ttc get their babies, I hope I do too. I hope my friends wanting to adopt get their rainbow babies. I hope my friends who have had tragedy, bereavement, hurt and struggled with sickness have a much better time by then.

I have hope.

But I’ll never have that innocence or naivety again.

Day 3 of the rants

Yesterday should have been day three but after a hectic day at work my husband (fantastic man) handed me a wine as soon as I got in. I enjoyed a nice few glasses of rose, one in the bath and the others with him and felt two merry to post anything nonsensical.

So today is the day for rants and I have two again.

Brambles: I like gardening, I get proud seeing my little seedlings grow but de-rambling the hedge has left me looking like my cat has attacked my arms. How on earth do they get so wound in and hide themselves so well? I wish there was a way to kill them at the root…

Emotions: More specifically I cannot stop getting teary. I suspect my period is coming soon though giving my irregularity lately it may not come for a couple of weeks. I can’t stop crying though: over Muriel’s wedding, over a tv advert, over some advice I gave a poor lady whose just miscarried, over my not hot enough bath…

I’m wondering if it’s just evil hormones or if it’s things that I’m somehow repressing and ignoring. I’m going to try chatting to DH tonight and see where it leads.

Waiting on a curry takeaway so that’s all good 🙂

Day 2 of the rants of the week

Blah, so today was a very good day, very productive which was awesome so while I only have two rants, one is a whole post in itself.

The evil of inanimate objects: See I’m sure this one combines a bit with Sod’s law because they seem to go hand-in-hand. Computers, phones etc., they work all the time until the one moment you really really need them. Then it’s ‘computer says no’.

And you get IT asking the obvious.

Bad drivers: Now by bad drivers I don’t mean anyone who makes an error, we all make mistakes and most of us flash hazards or hold up a hand to acknowledge and apologise. When I was feeling really low I almost caused an accident and pulled back at the last minute. It happens and it’s awful but as long as you learn from it and no one was hurt it’s okay. It’s when someone is truly such a bad driver that they repeat and repeat and often cause accidents but are oblivious and unaffected. Like the lorry driver and car driver I saw today.

The lorry driver didn’t bother to check his mirrors and almost sideswiped the car in front of me causing a chain reaction of emergency braking.

The car driver- this one really pisses me off- so selfish and self absorbed and bloody illegal here! Driving while chatting into a mobile and texting too. So oblivious she veered almost to the other side of the road and didn’t give way at a roundabout. Had other drivers not noticed this pustule of humanity coming by their erratic driving then there would have been more accidents.

And breathe…

But texting and driving is very dangerous and for anyone who disagrees I dare them to watch this and still do so.

A rant a day keeps the homicidal thoughts at bay

I’m feeling odd today. Not down or up particularly, just focussed on work and trying not to feel too shattered. What I have had is a bit of a ranty day an after doing positive things, I think I’m ready to do the things that have pissed me off or upset me this week.

Today: Rubberneckers. Fuck do these useless drivers annoy me. The kind who slam on their brakes just to peer at a broken down car or gawk at an accident. Not the kind who slow down as you are supposed to but the ones who bloody bunny hop until past the ‘gawking zone’ and then power on. Or the idiots who are so busy gawking that they don’t notice we’ve been stopped by the Police and almost plough into someone.

Seriously they should lose their license and have to suffer itching power down the pants or something.

Yesterday: Cold callers. Seriously I’ve worked a less then minimum wage job and I know how shit it is. I’m always polite but when you phone me three-five times a day and I’ve already said I’m not interested, you are going to get the phone put down on you. Likewise the people that ignore all my ‘no thank you’s and start being condescending ‘how can you pass up this great opportunity to screw yourself over’- jog on.

The worst is the scammers. You will get told to fuck off, or wound up if I’m in the mood. You want to scam and hurt and get at anyone who is vulnerable? I’m going to give you both barrels because you are lower then a shit stain.

Hmmm weirdly I feel a lot more perky now. This i’ll keep this up with one a day for a week!

Cold cold cold

Urgh what’s with the weather? Cold and rainy, col and rainy…not sure what happened to summer to be honest but my hopes for a hot early autumn are fluttering away.

I feel like I’ve lost my ability to write, to put pen to paper or fingers to keys and let the words come. I’m having difficulties both here and when writing my fictions, they’ve sadly gone into the ether too.

I’m considering nanowrimo in November just to try and kick start.

One good thing about the cold is that the slow cooker is now back out and I’ll be making my soups, curries and stews again soon!