I’m aware that this week I actually feel more emotional then I did last week. In a way, this week I feel closer to the time when I miscarried and the grief feels fresher then it has in a long time.
I’m not sure it’s any one thing but a series of them in all honesty.
*Due Date* I know it was my baby’s due date last week and that makes me feel raw, reminds me of what I don’t have and what I lost.
*Not pregnant* We’ve been trying, really trying and it’s just not happening. What really upsets me is twice I’ve been very late on my period and have avoided testing, only to find out I’m just late. I’m never late, only early. Plus my body have been feeling pregnant, had those same symptoms I did with Bean. Just my body tricking my mind.
*Angry* I’ve been really, really angry lately. At myself, at not being pregnant, at my husband not wanting to try harder. Even at my lost baby.
That’s the one the hurts the most. I felt anger that it died, that it wasn’t strong enough and now all I feel is self loathing and hurt that I felt that.
Angry as well that only a few people remembered, that no one thought to text or even ask how we were. I know I should concentrate on those who did think to text and appreciate on them so much instead. I know I have no right to expect people to remember (even though I told them all only a few weeks ago how low I felt and how much I was dreading this date). Everyone has their own lives and priorities, I can’t expect this to be one, I know that.
But it still hurts.
*Other babies* My friend had hers this week and I’m really pleased for her but there’s a part of my thinking that mine should be here too, a part of me that can’t look too much at the photos because I should have that too.
*Super fertile people* Two of my friends are pregnant. Apparently they just look at their partners and it happens, through contraception or that one forgotten night. They expect me to feel sorry for them but how can I? If they had to go through the horror of abortion then yes I would, but to feel sorry for them that they’re having a baby or another baby that’s a surprise but wanted?
On top of the bereavement and betrayal, this isn’t fun and I feel terribly for my husband who has all this alongside me plus extra grief because of his very close relationship with the great man who died.
How the hell do you get out of this?